I waited patiently for the Lord;
And He inclined to me,
And heard my cry.
He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,
Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock…
Psalm 40:1-2
“It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to! Cry if I want to!” Anyone remember that song? It’s an oldie, but a goodie! Self-pity is at the heart of this song, and something we’ve all experienced in life. Believe me, I’ve had my fair share of pity-parties! I used to think self-pity was harmless, when in fact, it’s not. Self-pity is a trap of the enemy to keep us bound in despair and defeat.
Self- pity is described as “excessive, self-absorbed unhappiness over one’s own troubles.” I don’t believe it coincidence that the word PIT is in self-pity. I describe self-pity as “a self-inflicted pit. It’s a pit we choose to enter, but the longer we stay, the greater the chance we’ll become stuck there. Thankfully, however, just as we chose to enter that pit, we can also choose be free of it with the Lord’s help.
Ruminating, dwelling on and replaying our problems over and over is a symptom of self-pity. A person dealing with self-pity, will allow themselves to spend long periods of time dwelling on their negative thoughts and feelings. You will find they talk constantly about their problems and often crave the attention and sympathy of others. While sympathy is not bad, and natural for us to feel when another is suffering, it’s not meant to be something we seek out to meet a need in us that only God can. When someone is dealing with self-pity, whether it’s us or someone we know, it’s not to condemn, but rather to understand that self-pity will only prolong our pain and hinder the healing process.
Job, is an example of someone who went deep into the pit of self-pity, and we can all say, “understandably so” because of what he experienced. However, we see Job’s pain only prolonged and worsened as Job’s so-called “comforters” offered sympathy and human wisdom, rather than encouraging Him to turn to God. He was pulled deeper and deeper down into the pit and became hopeless. Even Job’s wife told him he should just “curse God and die!” Sometimes we look to others to make us feel better, and it sends us spiraling further down. Like me, you may have also experienced well-meaning people, much like Job’s comforters, in your time of pain. While we may need to seek prayer and counsel during a difficult time, we must choose wisely someone who will always point us to Jesus. Not too long ago, I was going through a very painful time and I called the one person I knew who wouldn’t just sympathize with me and agree with my pain. Yes, I received Godly compassion from her as she listened to my heart and prayed for me, but then she encouraged me not to allow discouragement to take hold of me, but to keep pressing into God and taking my pain to Him, so that the Healer could heal me. That was Godly counsel! Thankfully, Job eventually opened his eyes to truth, and turned to God to pull him out of that pit. God will help and heal us too as we turn to Him.
There are two things to remember when tempted to fall into the pit of self-pity:
1. God created us to overcome whatever we face
2. We have an enemy that looks for any opportunity to take us down
Self-pity will keep us bound in a place of defeat and God doesn’t want us to stay in defeat. He wants to heal, deliver us and set us free. God’s Word says, we were created to be “more than conquerors in Christ Jesus.” That means over everything. Equally important to remember, is that satan is constantly on the prowl looking to gain access to our lives. So when we experience hurt and pain, we can be sure the enemy is right there seeing it as an opportune time. Friends, satan doesn’t play fair. The enemy’s goal is to make us feel hopeless, so he can destroy us. In our weakened state, he goes in for the kill. Self-pity paralyzes us. Instead of fighting back, we succumb to pain, and satan loves this.
Many years ago, during one of my own pity parties, God showed me I wasn’t alone. There was an uninvited guest – satan! And he was sitting there enjoying my misery, as I fell deeper and deeper into the pit. In fact, I saw in the spirit, satan laughing with glee over my pain and hopelessness. That vision gave me a righteous anger and I chose to fight back. I realized then, I couldn’t play around because Satan certainly wasn’t.
Maybe you’re ministering to a person stuck in the pit of self-pity. It’s important to seek God for wisdom. Very often, the person dealing with self-pity doesn’t want to be pulled out of the pit. They’re comfortable where they are, and you’ll exhaust yourself trying to help. Often a person in the pit of self-pity is deceived and needs their eyes opened to the truth. Encourage and speak truth to them, but also discern when to stop and go to battle in prayer for them.
In my past immaturity, I spent many hours, weeks and months ignorantly trying to encourage people out of the pit of self-pity, to no avail. I learned to discern when a person is dealing with self-pity and not exert too much natural energy, but instead, focus on the supernatural power of prayer for them. Again, this takes discernment, because there may be times God will lead you to people dealing with actual depression and call you to help pull them out of the enemy’s clutches. That’s’ different. But there will be other times, that God will reveal to you the need to step back, and pray for the person wallowing in self-pity, so that God can deal with their heart and open their eyes to truth. Remember, your prayers are powerful. I have seen people break free as I have battled for them in prayer.
It’s unavoidable that we’ll go through difficult or painful things in life. And while we may be tempted to feel sorry for ourselves and step into the pit of self-pity, we must realize it’s only a downward spiral from there. We can avoid this, by running to God in our time of trouble. These are some things I have learned, so that I can avoid falling into the pit of self-pity:
- Acknowledge your pain before the Lord in prayer. Don’t deny your pain or circumstances. Stuffing it down only makes it worse. Acknowledge your pain and allow yourself to grieve… but bring your grief to the Lord continually, so that the Comforter can comfort you as only He can.
- If you need to share with someone, only share with someone who will pray for you and encourage you to get out of the pit and run to the Healer. Avoid going from person to person, rehashing your pain. Find someone you trust and respect to pray for you and point you to Jesus.
- Fill yourself with good things. It’s natural to feel pain and grieve over things we go through, but grief can destroy us if we allow it to. The Bible says, “a wounded spirit who can bear?” The Bible says to think on (meditate on) things that are lovely, pure, and of good report. Part of self-pity is dwelling on our problems and believing the lie that it will somehow bring us comfort. Instead, of a pity-party have a worship party. Put on worship music and meditate on God’s promises and His goodness. God has never failed me when I have laid all aside to worship Him. I could start worshiping in a place of such brokeness, but when I’m done, my heart is transformed and healed. Worship Him often.
- Finally, fight the battle in the mind. Cast down negative thoughts that threaten to pull you into the pit and replace them with what God’s Word says about your situation. Meditate on God’s love for you and His faithfulness to you. Remember, the enemy would love nothing more than for you to stay in a place of despair and become hopeless, but know that no matter what you’re facing, God is with you and He is faithful to heal and deliver you!
