Feelings…the Good, the Bad, the Ugly

FEELINGS… The Good, the Bad and the Ugly!

Yeah, let’s go there… let’s talk about feelings.

If you didn’t know, it can be a touchy subject in the “Christian world.”  People struggle with the questions…Are feelings bad? Are they good? How does a Christian handle them? I’ve seen 2 very imbalanced misconceptions or “schools of thought” about feelings. Let’s have some real talk.

Misconception # 1

“I’m FREE in Christ, so I can say whatever I feel, and act however I please.“

Ummm…. NO.

We ARE free in Christ, but Galatians 5:13 is very clear that our freedom is NOT for the purpose of selfish desires or impulses, but rather to live and love like Christ.

You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. Galatians 5:13

I’ve come across many people that use that “freedom line” as an excuse to blast people when they are upset or bothered by something. They feel they have the right to say whatever they want, however they want, without regard for the other person’s feelings. Often this is done to control and get their own way or to elevate themselves to “look good” while pushing the other down. This is NOT of God. I love what my husband often says,

“Say what you mean and mean what you say, but don’t be mean!”

This is so true. We can and should express ourselves in an honest and open way, BUT still be kind and honoring of one another while doing so.

“Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.” Romans 12:10

Maybe you’ve heard people say, “Well that’s just the way I am. I speak my mind and I don’t hold back.” They say this as if it’s a badge of honor or something commendable and praiseworthy, when really it’s just ugly, unkind and unChristlike. Venting on someone, blasting someone, criticizing someone, vomiting your emotions on someone as I like to say (gross but true), does not make you strong. It’s actually a weakness. It takes a strong person to manage their emotions in a way that is not harmful to others. And if we really want to make it simple: Love is kind. Enough said.

Well, for the sake of this blog, I’ll continue. 🙂

Now listen, I’m not downing anyone that has struggled in this area or still does, because know this – I’m an ex NY girl, with fiery Sicilian blood coursing through my veins. If anyone could speak their mind boldly and without thought to others feelings, it would have been me. Back in the day I was a piece of work… let me tell ya. Ask my family… no actually, don’t! LOL! But while I’m an ex-New Yorker and a Sicilian, I’m also a NEW CREATION in Christ and that trumps ALL. Becoming a Christian didn’t mean I stopped speaking my mind and became a doormat, which I’lll discuss in the next misconception, but it meant I needed to change the way I spoke, as well as the purpose for which I spoke.

Some may say, “Well, Jesus spoke his mind. He was tough sometimes” Yes, this is true, but He wasn’t venting on people, allowing whatever emotion he felt, fall out of His mouth. And MOST importantly, His motives were ALWAYS pure and for the betterment of the person He was speaking to. He desired that all would ultimately be saved. That was his mission in life. And so, while some things were tough, they were done in love and from a pure heart. We really need to search our hearts in this,

When speaking your mind, you should ask yourself:

• Am I able to say this in a way that honors the one I am speaking to?
• Is my motive to bring healing, restoration, and a truth that will bring help and not harm?
• Am I saying this because I am angry and I just want to vent?
• Am I trying to control the situation, or let God be in control?
• Am I trying to lift myself up and look good while pushing another down?
• Is this something I should say in front of other people or privately between me and the other person?
• How can I say this honestly, but kindly?

These are things we should think about before sharing our feelings and really answer them with the fear of the Lord.

If you have a habit of speaking off the cuff and venting on others, I would suggest taking the time to BE QUIET and allow God to work on you. There was a time in my life where I didn’t share anything for a long while because I didn’t know how to share it in a God-pleasing way. It’s not that I became a doormat, but I had such a fear of the Lord and wanted to honor Him so greatly, I chose to be quiet for a season until I could do so. I needed healing in some areas of my life and I needed to learn a whole new way of living…and SPEAKING! Even today, I try to process my feelings and emotions before I share things, so I can share it in a Christlike manner. That isn’t always possible, so I remember when I open my mouth to be honest, but kind. God will always honor that. We’ll ALL fall short in this at times, but our desire should be to grow each time we do.

Listen, we all have feelings and emotions. Feelings are neither good or bad. Another quote my hubby has (yes, he sure has some good ones),

“Feelings are a good indicator but a poor master.”

Feelings are a good indicator as to what is going on inside of us, but they were never meant to dictate to us how we should live. We were created to live from out of our spirits.

So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. Galatians 5:16

Well what do we do then, when we “feel” things, especially strong emotions that threaten to control us:

• We examine them.
• We ask the Holy Spirit to search our hearts and reveal to us what’s going on inside of us.
• Is there something we need to address or deal with in us or a relationship?
• Is there an area we need healing in?
• Most importantly, we take those feelings and hold them up to the magnifying glass of the word.
• We find out what God’s Word says and allow ourselves to be transformed by the renewing of our mind.

To state a few:

• If we are angry, the Bible says,^“Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath” Ephesians 4:26 This clearly shows us, we will feel anger at times, but we have a choice in how we respond. We must choose to walk in forgiveness as the Bible says again and again. Love is always the answer.
• If we’re afraid, the Bible tells us not to give into it, but to pray so that we can experience God’s peace (Philippians 4:6-7)
• If we are confused, we can go to the Lord for Godly wisdom. The Bible tells us that God is not the author of confusion. We may not know what to do and feel at a loss, but we have the Holy Spirit always, and HE will lead us into all truth. (1 Cor 14:33, John 16:13)

Let’s talk about misconception # 2

Good Christians don’t get Angry (scared, emotional, confused…)

Well, we just established above that everyone gets angry, and that we all have feelings. Jesus did too, but was sinless in His response. Therefore, it’s what we do with those feelings, that matters. I think this misconception is most often birthed through some “unspoken rule” that as Christians, because we shouldn’t be ruled by our emotions, we shouldn’t have them or ever show them either. Even in the world, some are taught not to show emotions. Some say it shows weakness. Whatever the reason, this is also unhealthy and not of God.

God gave us a spirit, soul and body. We were created to experience life through all 3 areas of our being. Feelings of joy, passion, excitement and love are beautiful feelings. But feelings of anger, grief, fear and pain are just as legitimate as those pleasant feelings. When we’re made to feel that our feelings are “bad”, we feel bad and tend to hide them or stuff them down. We feel shame and guilt because we feel a certain way, and this can lead to dangerously unhealthy patterns in our life.

I felt this way growing up. No one specifically told me I was bad for feeling the things I did, but again I think it came from this often-unspoken rule in Christianity. Being the emotional person I was, I then had a lot of reasons to feel guilt and shame….like every time my emotions came up! I felt if I expressed them I was bad, not a good Christian, and even a weak person. I learned to stuff those babies down real deep and I suffered greatly for it. It took a LONG time and A LOT of healing to learn how to feel, deal with and express my emotions the way God wanted me to. Thank God, I learned that it’s ok to feel and share what you feel as long as it’s in an honoring way. It’s ok to have a different opinion than even a thousand other people if that’s MY opinion. We all don’t feel alike or think alike, but we should all respect and honor one another and sometimes just agree to disagree. I learned to take my feelings to the light of God’s Word and respond as God would have me, rather than have having a knee jerk reaction. I learned areas that I needed healing in and God transformed my life. It was a painful, but beautiful journey that the Lord walked me through so I could get to a healthy place.

Maybe you’ve believed the lie that showing your emotions made you weak. For a long time, I also believed this, and it made me die inside a little bit each time I denied my hurt, rather than dealing with it. We’re supposed to share when we’ve been hurt (Matthew 18:15). It brings healing and reconciliation to our relationships. It also prevents it from festering within us and letting the devil get a foothold in our lives and relationships. I don’t have a problem sharing if I’m hurt these days. It doesn’t make me weak, it makes me stronger. It shows I care, and it helps me to love people, walk in the love of God and allow others to love me back without walls. Why? Because God created us to love one another. We can’t pick and choose which emotions we will turn off and on. A lot of people are walking around with hardened hearts and blocked emotions because they have shut down inside for one reason or another. We need to feel to love. Yes, I know that we don’t love only when we feel it, but even when we love just out of obedience God will take over and cause us to “FEEL” HIS heart of love towards others.

There was a time I couldn’t love or receive love because I was so shut down emotionally. I struggled greatly, because I wasn’t able to be who God created me to be. Maybe you can relate. Even in my spiritual gifting, prophetic intercession, I couldn’t flow, because I turned my emotions off. If you don’t know this, prophetic people FEEL A LOT. Again, these feelings should be brought under the light of God’s word, prayed over and then responded to as God directs. There are some fleshly prophets and intercessors out there that NEED to bring their feelings under the Lordship of Jesus. But think of the prophets of old and how many wept and felt grief because of a burden the Lord placed on their hearts. Imagine if they stuffed down their feelings, became hardened or shut down emotionally?? They could never fulfill their calling!  Whatever your gifting is, your feelings do tie in. We should feel compassion for the lost and hurting. We should feel grief over sin. We are called to love everyone with the love of Christ. Again, Jesus our perfect role model had feelings. He wept. He grieved. He felt compassion. He rejoiced. He got angry. He felt everything we ever did – the good, the bad and the ugly… BUT…He was sinless in His response to them all.

Even though I have come so far, sometimes that unspoken message that says I should just be quiet and be a good Christian, and not make waves tries to creep in. Today, however, I buck against that, and so should you. God created you to feel. Yes, many of those feelings may need to lead you to a place of healing, so that you can be ruled by your spirit and not your flesh, but realizing that, is a wonderful place to be in. It’s a beautiful journey to be on. And you can only be healed when you acknowledge what you feel and take those feelings to the Lord. These days, when I have a feeling or emotion that is resistant to the rule of my spirit, I rejoice and say, OK GOD, you are highlighting a new area in me that needs healing. Heal me, so I can be more like You. Heal me, so that I can see things the way you do; So that my feelings become tempered by the HOLY Spirit. and so that the greatest force which is love, can flow from my life. This is what God desires for each one of us.

So in closing, whether you’ve dealt with or are dealing with misconception # 1 or misconception # 2, know that you’re a work in progress. I sure am! Remember, your feelings are not bad. You are not bad. God loves you right where you’re at, and He will bring you up to where He is – feelings and all! You will grow and be more healed the longer you walk with Him, and your feelings, your actions, and your very life will be transformed to reflect Him more and more each day. I shared a lot of personal examples and things from my own personal journey in this post, with the hope that my own transparency would bring a little more freedom to your life. I pray that you would let the truth of God’s Word and the great love He has for you sink in so deep, that you become more whole and walk in the true freedom of Christ for your life – A life of love. We all need this. Thank you Jesus.