Say Goodbye To Toxic

Hey Everyone! Today’s post is written by a very special guest… my hubby!!! He always has good stuff to share, so I know you’ll enjoy it!

Guest Post by Rob Sparrow:

Search the internet and you’ll find many of articles on toxic people. You may have even heard someone say, “That person is toxic!” But what is a toxic person and what’s the right way to deal with them? I’ve heard the phrase “toxic people” used many times, and most of the time the person they were talking about wasn’t actually toxic. Instead, the situation involved two hurt people reacting to one another. My wife shares a lot on this blog about soul healing and soul healing is key to having healthy relationships. When people live from their undealt with soul hurts, it’s very easy to attract toxic people and fall into toxic relationships. Most often, wholeness and maturity, will neutralize the behaviors and attitudes that can become harmful in a relationship. This and understanding what a toxic person actually is, will help you avoid patterns of toxic relationships and say goodbye to toxic.

Our ministry is dedicated to helping hurting people, and we’ve learned a lot as the years have gone by. In my 20 years of ministry, I’ve come to realize:

1. Hurt people hurt people.
2. Hurt people are hurt by people.
3. We are all hurt people. 
4. We’ve all been hurt before, so just being hurt by someone doesn’t mean they are toxic.

So what is a toxic person? I’ve found there are many opinions about what a toxic person is so let me share what I would consider a toxic person to be.

1. Judgmental and critical – They may start out speaking well, but their hidden opinions of people are low and their opinion of themselves fluctuates dramatically. They often have a hard time with long term relationships because of this, so be on the lookout for a pattern of broken relationships or very strongly co-dependent relationships. 
2. Manipulative – they will use flattery, but also emotional distance when they don’t get what they want. They will say things like, “You are the only one who understands me, loves me, or that I can trust, etc.” Often, this is the buildup to get you where they want you. The toxic person will use emotional distance to punish and “teach” you to make sure they are obeyed or have their needs met. They may even use intimidation through threats, which will only increase if left unchecked or accepted. 
3. Selfish – They want what they want!! It’s not that they think they are selfish. They just feel entitled to things others have to work hard for. They want what they want and are willing to allow others to pay the consequences for their mistakes or irresponsible behavior. 
4. Puts others on the defense – Their entitlement and strong opinions make them feel right.  They often seem very affirming. There are just enough negative comments slipped in to keep people on the defense. The toxic person wants you to have this feeling of insecurity even if they won’t admit it or know it. They will very often exaggerate their accomplishments in an effort to cover their insecurity. 
5. Make you responsible for their feelings – It’s never their fault and you are expected to always understand what they are going through, but be careful if you talk about how what they are going through affects you. You’ll often be made to feel guilty, selfish or rigid for expecting anything from them. 

The first time I met a “toxic person,” they talked about toxic people so much and were continually proclaiming how healthy there were and had become. I realized later, that this a common behavior with people who have been abused in the past by toxic people. When I hear this, it is a red flag to me that a person is potentially a toxic person. In this situation, the abused becomes the abuser. The things they had suffered, had now become their modus operandi. Hurt people hurt people. Healed people heal people. We want to remember this, so that we can have compassion, but also learn how to deal with them in a way that is healthiest for all involved. This is what I’ve learned in dealing with toxic people.

1. Forgive them, because God commands it, not for them but for us. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to trust them either. Trust like respect is always earned.
2. Get your emotional needs met by God. Be free of the need to be needed. Find your identity in who you are and Whose you are. This is defined by the Bible, not by what others do, don’t do, say or don’t say. 
3. Love them anyway. Refer back to number one if you need. Trust like respect, is always earned. And remember, love doesn’t avoid truth. You can address bad behavior and still be loving. In fact, it is real love to do so. 
4. Realize you can’t help everyone. Do your best with them and be ok with that. The Bible says, “if it is possible as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men (Romans 12:18).” Sometimes it won’t be possible, and we need to be ok with that. Even Jesus was criticized. If He couldn’t avoid it, you won’t be able to either. 
5. Let them go. We teach people how to treat us, but sometimes people don’t want to or unable to learn. Sometimes people have to lose something good so they can value it. They might not deserve you. They need to receive healing and learn how to have healthy relationships. Release them.
6. Many will come back. Forgive them, love them and believe for the best. Look for the fruit of repentance. Nobody is perfect. We all need God’s mercy everyday and should show it to all. When they do come back however, look for the effort and change in their character, not just their words. This is the fruit of repentance that the Bible talks about. 

The Bible says, “he who would love life and see good days, will seek peace and pursue it (1 Peter 3:10).” God desires for you to have a good life, filled with peace. Relationships can either add or take away from this. There will always be challenges when it comes to relationships, but we can learn to say goodbye toxic and have the kind of relationships God wants us to!